How To Say No and Avoid Floundering Energy Levels

An introverts guide to setting boundaries

Jul 15, 2024

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” ―Warren Buffett

Children are really good at saying ‘no’.

Put your plate away, and come up to the bathroom. No.

You look like you need the toilet, go to the toilet. No.

Stop hitting your brother! No!

Children know exactly what they want and proceed to go and get it to the detriment of whichever unsuspecting adult is caring for them at the time.

But by the time we reach adulthood, some of us seem to lose this innate ability to say ‘no’. For some reason, ‘no’ easily turns to ‘yes’. We like to please everyone, and whilst in the process end up pleasing no one, especially ourselves.

Perhaps we feel like we don’t have a choice. Like if we don’t say yes then our jobs are at risk, or it gives us a bad reputation. But not saying no when necessary, is the fastest way to burnout that I know of.

In my early consulting days, it was very common to say yes to everything so that you could give the perception that you were a great all-rounder. If people perceived you to be smart / witty / interesting / good at your job / [or other positive worker bee trait] then you got the plumb assignments, the chance to work in the best teams, and the most exciting locations.

If this perception wasn’t there, you got relegated to the ‘bench’ and it was like being picked last for the playground football team. It was not uncommon for young consultants to burn out quickly and be signed off on sick leave for weeks on end.

I came close to this edge.

But I realised that if I didn’t take control over my time and own the balance of the work life scales, then someone else with a bigger pay check and a bigger desk, would have done so for me.

If we find ourselves saying ‘yes’ way more than we should, how do we regain our ability to say no, thereby putting in place firm boundaries that allow us space to breathe, and focus on other things every now and then?

man with too much work to do — Image created by author using DALL-E

Here are the things I consider as an introvert, when it comes to setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ where I need to.

The bigger picture

Does the thing being asked of me fit into my wider aspirations? If it does, then fantastic! I can move forward with it, deprioritizing (this is the key word here) other things where necessary.

If it doesn’t fit with my vision and goals of where I see myself going in a particular job or career, then I would question myself as to whether I take it on. Life is too short, and time is too finite to spend it doing things that bring you no joy.

Energy levels

I’m always been very aware of my general energetic state, and how a task makes me feel. I’ve noticed that when I’m particularly enthralled by an activity it is energy giving, rather than energy sapping. I feel renewed and come away with a fresh sense of inspiration. It reminds me of this quote I saw recently by

Veronica Llorca-Smith

But if it’s been a rough night with one of the children, my energy levels might be low and rather than pushing through it, I will succumb to the notion that today I only have so much to give, and that’s ok.

Communicating ‘no’ in a helpful way

All too often people just accept a level of sustained pressure as if its normal. When you feel like the scales are tipping far too much the wrong way, then it’s important to say so. But to do that in a helpful and positive way.

Master Neuro-Linguistic Practitioner trainer and founder of the NLP Company, Rintu Basu has a few great conversation constructs in his book Persuasion Skills Black Book. I’ve used them to create some phrases below, to help you get your point across in a nice way:

“I agree that X task is important and that means that it should be given to someone who has the spare capacity to deal with it”
“The issue is not about whether I have the time to do this task, but are we approaching this task the right way, what key skills are required to progress this successfully?”
“What do we need to discuss for you to be more confident in giving this work to person X?”

By learning to say no to extra work that saps your energy and is beyond your focus, you stop yourself being taken advantage of, you reclaim your day, and make progress towards your own priorities and agenda. This isn’t selfish – if you want to get your work done, it’s necessary.

What other things do you consider when it comes to saying ‘no’ and preserving your precious time and energy?

Let me know in the comments.

Have a great week!

-Selda

How To Say No and Avoid Floundering Energy Levels

An introverts guide to setting boundaries

The bigger picture

Energy levels

Communicating ‘no’ in a helpful way

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